Hi Guys
A beauty from Noel Whittacker's latest newsletter.
Trafalgar 2005
Nelson: Hoist the signal.
Hardy: Aye, aye, sir.
Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
Hardy: Sorry sir?
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". What sort of ridiculous gobbledygook is this?
Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
Nelson: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Hardy: Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Part of the Government's policy on binge drinking, you know.
Nelson: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
Hardy: I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in English history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.
Hardy: That won't be possible, sir.
Nelson: What?
Hardy: Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
Nelson: Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
Nelson: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
Hardy: Apparently the Government think that the Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency. I expect that we'll be able to meet their targets after the battle, though!
Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
Hardy: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
Nelson: What? This is mutiny.
Hardy: It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Hardy: Actually, sir, we're not.
Nelson: We're not?
Hardy: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
Hardy: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Hardy: Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.
Nelson: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
Nelson: What about sodomy?
Hardy: I believe it's practically compulsory these days, sir.
Nelson: In that case, kiss me, Hardy.
Regards
A beauty from Noel Whittacker's latest newsletter.
Trafalgar 2005
Nelson: Hoist the signal.
Hardy: Aye, aye, sir.
Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
Hardy: Sorry sir?
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". What sort of ridiculous gobbledygook is this?
Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
Nelson: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Hardy: Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Part of the Government's policy on binge drinking, you know.
Nelson: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
Hardy: I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in English history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.
Hardy: That won't be possible, sir.
Nelson: What?
Hardy: Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
Nelson: Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
Nelson: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
Hardy: Apparently the Government think that the Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency. I expect that we'll be able to meet their targets after the battle, though!
Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
Hardy: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
Nelson: What? This is mutiny.
Hardy: It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Hardy: Actually, sir, we're not.
Nelson: We're not?
Hardy: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
Hardy: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Hardy: Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.
Nelson: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
Nelson: What about sodomy?
Hardy: I believe it's practically compulsory these days, sir.
Nelson: In that case, kiss me, Hardy.
Regards
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