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Courtroom Humour

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  • Courtroom Humour

    Hi Guys

    Please keep a straight face or else you will be in contempt of court.

    These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of biting
    their lip to stay calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
    forgotten?
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
    that morning?
    A: He said,! "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
    the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he
    doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    __________________________________________________ ___________Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
    autopsy.

    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
    pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
    the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive practising law
    somewhere.

    Regards
    "There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook." Groucho Marx
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