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Crazy People

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  • Crazy People

    All of the people in my building are insane.
    The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

    The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

    Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it ... it feels real."

    In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

    One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The
    neighbours thought there was lightning in my house.

    All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

    I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

    Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

    I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

    My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighbourhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

    The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up, so I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop
    pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
    "There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook." Groucho Marx