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  • Tower to pilot

    Here are some reasons to listen to Channel 9 while sitting on United
    Flights...you could spend the entire flight laughing. Hope these put a
    smile on your face...

    Actual Air Traffic Control Exchanges from various sources:

    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.
    "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    >From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

    I'm f...ing bored!"
    Ground Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
    immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
    "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles,
    Eastbound."
    United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little
    Fokker in sight."

    A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
    after touching down.
    San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
    the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
    off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
    following:

    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
    Germany . Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
    you lost the bloody war."

    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
    the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned
    around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
    the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
    make it all by yourself?"
    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
    real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
    I'll have enough parts for another one."

    German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-
    tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location,
    but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
    amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between
    Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird
    206.

    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
    to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't
    land."



    While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
    departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
    United 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air
    crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
    turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
    there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
    D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was
    now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll
    take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
    tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
    hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
    how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
    after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
    the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
    cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

    Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
    asking "Wasn't I married to you once?"
    "There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook." Groucho Marx
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