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Daffynitions

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  • Daffynitions

    Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
    Acoustic: An instrument used in shooting pool.
    Adamant: The very first insect.
    Archaeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
    Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
    Babysitter: One who accepts hush money.
    Budgeting: The most orderly way of going into debt.
    Camel: An animal that looks as though it had been put together by a committee.
    Canapés: A sandwich cut into 24 pieces.
    Cannibal Chief: One who gets fed up with people.
    Carpet: A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot.
    Cashews: The nuts you should hold out for if you’re currently working for peanuts.
    Cavity: Empty space ready to be stuffed with dentist’s bills.
    Clever Investment: The one you failed to make.
    Clothestrophobia; What a nudist suffers from.
    Coincide: What most people do when it rains.
    Comic Relief: When the life of the party goes home.
    Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
    Dinosaur: A colossal fossil.
    Farmers: Men successful only if they sell their farms to golf clubs.
    First Grade Teacher: One who knows how to make little things count.
    Flashlight: A case in which to carry dead batteries.
    Forecaster: A person skilled in the art of drawing useful conclusions from inadequate premises.
    Gambling: A way of getting nothing for something.
    Grandfather: A grandchild’s press agent.
    Hay: Grass à la mowed.
    Helicopter: An egg beater with ambition.
    Hot Dog: The only animal that feeds the hand that bites it.
    Hotel: A place where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
    Housewarming: The last call for wedding presents.
    Ideal Summer Resort: A place where fish bite and mosquitoes don’t.
    Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.
    Lisp: Calling a spade a thpade.
    Manicurist: A girl who makes money hand over fist.
    Mass Psychology: Doing it the herd way.
    Maternity Hospital: An heirport.
    Moron: Something which in the wintertime girls wouldn’t have so many colds if they put.
    Mosquito: A small insect designed by God to make us think better of flies.
    Mummies: Egyptians who were pressed for time.
    Oleomargarine: The food of people who haven’t seen butter days.
    Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
    Practical Nurse: One who marries her rich patient.
    Puppy: A little waggin’ without wheels.
    Raisin: A worried grape.
    Saint: A dead sinner, revised and edited.
    Sarcasm: Barbed ire.
    Snowbird: A Canadian who gets acquainted with his neighbour by meeting him down in Florida.
    Tainted Money: Tain’t yours and tain’t mine.
    Taxidermist: A man who knows his stuff.
    Wedding Ring: The smallest hand cuff in the world.
    Window Screen: A device to prevent the escape of insects.
    Wood: That remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such difficulty in a fireplace.
    Wrinkle: The nick of time.
    If I have seen further than others,
    it is because I have stood on the shoulder of giants. Isaac Newton
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