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The Battle of Trafalger 2005

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  • The Battle of Trafalger 2005

    Hi Guys

    A beauty from Noel Whittacker's latest newsletter.

    Trafalgar 2005

    Nelson: Hoist the signal.

    Hardy: Aye, aye, sir.

    Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?

    Hardy: Sorry sir?

    Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". What sort of ridiculous gobbledygook is this?

    Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

    Nelson: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

    Hardy: Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

    Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

    Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Part of the Government's policy on binge drinking, you know.

    Nelson: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.

    Hardy: I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.

    Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in English history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.

    Hardy: That won't be possible, sir.

    Nelson: What?

    Hardy: Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

    Nelson: Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.

    Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.

    Nelson: Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.

    Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

    Nelson: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

    Hardy: Apparently the Government think that the Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency. I expect that we'll be able to meet their targets after the battle, though!

    Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

    Hardy: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?

    Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

    Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

    Nelson: What? This is mutiny.

    Hardy: It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

    Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

    Hardy: Actually, sir, we're not.

    Nelson: We're not?

    Hardy: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

    Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

    Hardy: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.

    Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

    Hardy: Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.

    Nelson: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.

    Nelson: What about sodomy?

    Hardy: I believe it's practically compulsory these days, sir.

    Nelson: In that case, kiss me, Hardy.

    "There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook." Groucho Marx

  • #2

    Oh so true !!!

    Been a bit serious lately taken some time to catch up on the funnies.