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Useful life tips

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  • Useful life tips

    Hi Guys
    Liberated from Somersoft courtesy of Simon Macks www.mortgagehunter.com.au

    These are useful life tips in general.

    Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
    neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
    during a power-cut.
    Howard Urmenyl, Amersham

    Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match
    every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
    the escaping gas.
    G. Martin, Leicester

    As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we
    smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in
    such emergencies.
    Mrs D. Bibby, Rugby

    Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a 'Dustbuster'. The
    zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the
    usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
    J. T. Thropton

    Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
    chin into a bowl of iron filings.
    B Villbens, Birmingham

    X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
    drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
    strange place the following morning, having had your memory
    mysteriously 'erased'.
    Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge

    A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to
    guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble
    dispenser at cocktail parties.
    L. Traintu, Clarkesville

    Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to
    an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
    Ms G. M. Dowd, Wigan

    Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
    grazes with thin strips of bacon.
    Phil Wasey, Liverpool

    Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
    changing your name to match your existing plate.
    Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln

    Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
    to the object you wish to view.
    S Goldhanger, Fulchester

    Pop a few teabags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot
    cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
    Mr A.Fowler, Cape Town, South Africa

    Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving
    fully refreshed and on time.
    Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany

    Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
    talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing
    loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
    Mr D. Hughes, Lancaster

    Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
    fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
    B. Batten, Dublin

    Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
    direction of oncoming traffic.
    D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

    When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in
    case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong
    way up the road.
    D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

    Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle
    East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
    Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a
    few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any
    planes home.
    S. Goblin, Middlesex

    Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
    P. Witney, London

    Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
    attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then
    be worn around the neck.
    B. Morgan, Criccieth

    Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
    slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
    D. Duckham, Didford

    Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
    eating cakes again.
    P. Witney, London

    Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your
    head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide
    Kate Emblen, Uxbridge

    Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
    A. Sharp, Birmingham

    A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
    coat hanger in an emergency.
    Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

    Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
    imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to
    your intended destination in the first place.
    Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood

    Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow
    you on a motobike carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can
    take the blame.
    Bastien Phelp, Bath

    Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air
    over any that you catch in the act.
    W. T. Conqueror, Hastings

    Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will
    turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
    C. Custer, Little Bighorn

    An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
    inexpensive vibrator.
    Sister S., Berwick, Blackrod.

    Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
    steroids by running a bit slower.
    B. Johnson, Canada
    "There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook." Groucho Marx

  • #2
    That's got to be about the funniest (read: sickest) bunch of jokes I've read in a good while - nearly fell off my chair, and my sides are still hurting. Brilliant!!!
    Gimme $20k. You will receive some well packaged generic advice that will put you on the road to riches beyond your wildest dreams ...yeah right!


    • #3
      more of the same


      Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the
      unexpected expected?


      • #4
        Just loved it...

        Nothing like a bit of relief first thing in the morning.... However this comes in pretty close when the wife says "NO"

        Counter cyclic means always swimming against the tide

        Manawatu Property Investors' Association


        • #5
          Hi Janesco

          You said:

          Nothing like a bit of relief first thing in the morning.... However this comes in pretty close when the wife says "NO"
          Just loved it.......

          "There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook." Groucho Marx