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Random funny quotes

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  • Random funny quotes

    "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
    video camera and come help me."
    --Bobcat Goldthwait

    "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
    where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
    sister's house and ask her for money."
    --Kevin Meaney

    "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
    and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
    'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
    --Paula Poundstone

    "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
    single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
    people burn slower?"
    --Warren Hutcherson

    "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
    other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
    locks, they are always locking three."
    --Elayne Boosler

    "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
    --John Mendoza

    "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
    --Steven Wright

    "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
    it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
    should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
    before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
    --Bob Ettinger

    "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
    than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
    --Conan O'Brien

    "I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
    --Winston Spear

    "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
    how dogs spend their lives."
    --Sue Murphy

    "My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
    day, he took me aside and left me there."
    --Ron Richards

    "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
    something else."
    --Lily Tomlin

    "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
    people make up 75 percent of the population."
    --David Letterman

    "Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
    far away."
    --Billiam Coronell

    "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
    --Rita Rudner

    "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
    --Lily Tomlin

    "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
    Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
    Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
    Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
    the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
    clippers right here.'"
    --Jerry Seinfeld

    "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
    --Steven Wright

    "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
    above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
    --Bruce Baum

    "I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
    know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
    know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
    'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
    --Garry Shandling

    "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
    said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
    cold enough. Let's go west.'"
    --Richard Jeni

    "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
    --Paul Rodriguez

    "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
    fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
    --Lynda Montgomery

  • #2
    Crack up !!

    New website is taking off well Steve .. Congrats .

    Shane Carruthers


    • #3
      Zen thinking from garfield

      1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
      for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In
      fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.

      2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

      3. No one is listening until you fart.

      4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

      5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

      6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing
      a couple of mortgage payments.

      7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
      That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have
      their shoes.

      8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

      9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
      and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

      10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was
      probably well worth it.

      11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

      12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

      13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

      14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes
      from bad judgement.

      15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

      16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

      17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are

      18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

      19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our @rse ...
      then things just get worse.

      20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
      on the same night.

      Shane lives at www.nexuspoperty.co.nz

      Hot property deal alerts
      Last edited by shanecarruthers; 26-03-2009, 08:06 PM. Reason: change