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The 2008 darwin awards...

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  • The 2008 darwin awards...

    It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honour given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

    Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was a real rocket scientist. Really.

    And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.

    And the nominees were:

    Semifinalist #1
    A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

    Semifinalist #2
    Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

    Semifinalist #3
    A 22-year-old Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
    Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

    Semifinalist #4
    A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

    Semifinalist #5
    Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
    Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
    Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
    by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

    And Now, the winner of this year's Darwin Award:
    You'll be amazed at his incredible journey to immortality.
    (As always, awarded posthumously):

    The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
    in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery.
    An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
    The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
    The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust
    within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350-mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
    The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
    However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3-feet deep in the rock.
    Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.

    Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

  • #2
    Excellent, have not seen the Darwin awards for ages.

    Is there any reason why all these people are American???
    two ears and just one mouth.. for good reason.

    Comment


    • #3
      Princess,

      I answer to your comment - well, I think it's because the gene pool in American is big enough to have some real idiots.

      And also the fact that the Americans are really good at reporting these sort of happenings, perhaps as an inspiration to future Darwin Award nominees.
      Patience is a virtue.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by princess View Post
        Excellent, have not seen the Darwin awards for ages.

        Is there any reason why all these people are American???
        1st is canadian.......

        be careful before saying they are the same

        because to do so would mean we are all

        australians!

        also that last one with the jato bottles on an impala is probably older than the internet, certainly pre-2008
        have you defeated them?
        your demons

        Comment


        • #5
          Did a man who attached a JATO unit to his car end up smashing it into the side of a cliff?


          i heard it in the air force in the 80's

          you can imagine in the 60's when these things were invented and hot rodding and drag racing were most popular that people started thinking about putting 2+2 together to get BANG

          have you defeated them?
          your demons

          Comment


          • #6
            2008 Darwin Awards: Vote for the 2008 Award Nominees! The Darwin Awards commemorate the (remains of) individuals who contribute to the improvement of our gene pool by removing themselves from it. Enter this portal for stories from the 2008 Darwin Awards.


            the balloon priest is pretty sad

            sort of followed that one from it's start to it's end
            have you defeated them?
            your demons

            Comment


            • #7
              I'd heard this one years ago, almost word for word..why is it now a 2008 semi-finalist?

              Semifinalist #5
              Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
              Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
              Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
              by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.
              RedWing

              Still Learning.............

              Comment


              • #8
                I have heard the winner as well. I dont think that is the latest list.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Yes, thank you something is a miss with this posting probably someone being lazy....

                  The Baloon Preist though sad is showing to have received the most votes for 2008...

                  The Balloon Priest
                  2008 Darwin Award Nominee
                  Confirmed True by Darwin




                  (20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean, Brazil) In homage to Lawn Chair Larry's aerial adventure in 1982--wherein our beloved survivor of a Darwin-worthy attempt attached 45 helium weather balloons to his lawnchair, packed a picnic lunch and cut the tether--a Catholic priest recently ascended to heaven on a host of helium party balloons. Larry, instead of drifting lazily above the LA landscape, the, was rocketed into LAX air traffic labes by the lift of his weather balloons. Astoundingly, he survived the flight. Adelir Antonio was not so lucky. Paying a nod to Lawn Chair Larry, Adelir, 41, was attempting to set a world record for clustered balloon flight to publicize his plan to build a spiritual rest stop for truckers.
                  Sitting for more than 19 hours in a lawn chair is not a trivial matter, even in the comfort of your own backyard. The priest took numerous safety precautions, including wearing a survival suit, selecting a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and a GPS. However, the late Adelir Antonio made a fatal mistake.
                  He did not know how to use the GPS. The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land, but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he prudently phoned for help. But rescuers were unable to reach him since he could not use his GPS! HE struggled with the control panel as the charge on the satellite phone dwindled. Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided him straight to heaven. Bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches. Ultimately the priest's body surfaced, confirming that he, like Elvis, had left the building.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Some of these are really sad stories. They make me sad.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      The Darwin Awards say that the JATO story is urban legend, dated 1995, so I think that the suspect thing is where Josko's list came from!

                      The 2008 awards, ordered by popular vote are here.
                      DFTBA

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I nominated one story last year, from our very own shores.

                        The stupidity of the following person is unbelievable:

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