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A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian
government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System
facilities. She demanded a response to her correspondence.
She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg.,
15 NT101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions
were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to
learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are
creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense,
to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or
L.A.R.K. for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new
program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your
personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is
scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your
residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you
can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards
you personally demanded in your letter of complaint!
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended
in your letter. Although Ahmed is a psychopath and extremely violent,
we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his
'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends,
neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get
agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He
is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish
to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he
views females as a subhuman form of property thereby having no rights,
including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly
sensitive subject for him and he has also been known to show violent
tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code
that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will
come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burkah over time. Just
remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious
beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System
facilities. She demanded a response to her correspondence.
She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg.,
15 NT101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions
were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to
learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are
creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense,
to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or
L.A.R.K. for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new
program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your
personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is
scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your
residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you
can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards
you personally demanded in your letter of complaint!
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended
in your letter. Although Ahmed is a psychopath and extremely violent,
we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his
'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends,
neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get
agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He
is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish
to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he
views females as a subhuman form of property thereby having no rights,
including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly
sensitive subject for him and he has also been known to show violent
tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code
that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will
come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burkah over time. Just
remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious
beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
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